Love

I'm caught in a moment of thanks to God. I was just thinking about what my spiritual walk has been until this point in my life with all its steep hills and sharp, downward spirals; most recently, since the fall of 2008 I'd been facing a spiritual depression of sorts. Things just felt as though they were winding down and down. I was receiving less and less personal care, the kind that I had started to become so dependent on.

Upon hindsight and reflection, maybe this is the reason that God decided to take certain people from me and place them elsewhere. When I first came to college I used to pray so hard for even just one person to come into my life that would refresh me in mind and spirit so that I would not become discouraged and would discern God's vision for my life and church all the clearer (for, even though there was so much to be discouraged by, somehow my spiritual appetite and direction were sharpened instead of blunted). I was given more than I had asked for and, instead of one, God put in my path many different people that encouraged, challenged and refreshed me.

Initially my attention, thanks and praise were pointedly fixed on the Lord. I was in filled with gratitude at God's provision of care and community in my life. Sometime after I was brought into this community and before I went on a summer missions trip to Hawai'i, my attention shifted from sovereign God to my fellow human companions. Though they were excellent friends (still are in fact, and in greater numbers), they made poor substitute gods, and I was soon feeling the effects of exchanging my loving, secure, absolute relationship with the Lord for something less.

The tricky thing about the Great Decline was that its effects, or spiritual repercussions, were not immediately felt. This kept me from being able to see and address the real issue; I was thirsting for Christ, to be renewed in heart, mind and spirit by the promises of God but somehow I dismissed the thirst as a temporary symptom of loneliness brought on by several people in my life making an exit of sorts (moving, going on longterm missions, change of church, change of community, losing touch). Instead of seeking out the Lord I decided to grit my teeth and make more of an effort with the people that I felt close to and were still around me. I didn't realize that this was just deepening an idolization in my heart as I continued to exalt man (as in humanity, not just men) and take my relationship with God for granted.

Over the winter break I had a couple of epiphanies. I realized, as I was spending time in prayer and in the Word, that I needed to come back to foundation, to the Rock that is Christ, the Word that became flesh. I saw and understood suddenly that I'd been surrounded by Scripture and yet somehow apart from it. I'd been ensuring an even greater distance from God by refusing to spend significant time with Him in meaningful, earnest prayer. I'd been letting go so gradually of something so secure that, when the crud finally fell from my eyes and I could see, I found that I'd become a spiritual midget, scared stiff and unsure at every step. I was steadily becoming apathetic and self-absorbed as well. I'm being sort of bare-faced about all this, I don't feel bad for being to recognize what lows I'd been in; the contrast serves to accent the goodness of my God who continues to refine me in character and heart.

But tonight I'm understanding that though the past year has been extremely painful, it was also necessary. There was something I undeniably needed to be cured of, and that was my pride. My conceit. No better way to do that than drag myself through the mud for a while. Without the mud I wouldn't be able to see as clearly as I do now.

And what I see is...

I have loving parents who care so incredibly, even to the point of pain (on their part); a church filled with people yearning to experience and share the love and grace of Christ in relevant, real ways; friendships that are genuine and grounding; a guy that gives a shock to my system every now and again with how smart and yet gracious he is, encouraging me not towards a self-sufficient attitude but really to understand the kind of worth I have because of what Christ does.

I realize that I am more than healed. I'm blessed to overflowing, that I would abundantly bless and love others; that I might be a refreshment to the saints and a reflection of Christ to the world. Dude...and all this by the workings of the Holy Spirit alone, not my own limited motivation and effort.

...it's not evening anymore.

God, sometimes the things You reveal to me keep me up at night. You, and the Italian coffee I had earlier on the amazing date I went on with Josh last night.

Let me give thanks in the proper place here:

Thank You for everything Lord, You really are glorious.

Cheers.