"...success is hard-earned."
In much the same way that I quoted Barry Farber on Oct. 8, 2005 in the essay I wrote for the SATs, I now quote my 17-year-old words and reflect on the strange, stinging inspiration that they inspire. It's been 6 years since I wrote them, and yet they still set the bar for my miserable life.
I have a wonderful life actually. I live in a nice 2-story house in a suburban neighborhood near Washington, D.C. I have a family that gives and gives to no end, to me and to all that are friends. My boyfriend is a wonderful, caring, sweet man that makes me a priority in his life. These are all big things that carry not just a little weight in my life.
...but it's the small things that chip away at my confidence and form chinks in the base of my certainty. Those little things that you can't even name without feeling foolish. Little psychological games that get played within the closest circles, the constant feeling of obligation to everyone, the second-guessing, and the wondering, wondering, wondering if I'll ever be worth a damn.
I'm a college graduate with plans to go into higher education. I scored in the 90th percentile range on my SATs. I may not have a job right now, but I've pursued the major of my dreams in college and am now taking steps to pursue the occupation of my dreams (which, unlike the normal "east-coast mentality" of needing to maintain some polished career track, for me is to educate and affect the most passionate minds in the world- the unharnessed power of high school students). Yet there is always that niggling feeling that I am wasting my time, and potentially the time of countless other young people too. There's no reason for this feeling, except that I just don't feel good enough to do anything noble or good. Like everything I will ever do will turn to in a steaming pile of no good. It's a negative, self-perception (one that I am so certain of sometimes). There are days when my feelings are more sunlit, but there are nights (like tonight) when they are especially dark.
I'm no doctor (not even close), but I think some may call this depression. I see those anti-depressant medication commercials all the time on television, and their symptoms sound so familiar. And what's weird is I get this comforted feeling when I see them because I feel like someone knows about my struggle. Someone, out there in the wide world, understands that I am, generally and emotionally speaking, in a dark place. But while the little blob bounces on in jovial bliss across the television screen, relieved by his magic pill from his oppressive feelings, I sit on the couch knowing that I won't get that relief.
I don't think my parents believe in depression. Or maybe they just don't have time to slow down and deal with it. They seem pretty happy between themselves, and my sister and brother continue on with their lives, working hard and finding ways to keep themselves occupied. At the risk of sounding like Dane Cook on one of his stand-up comedian shows, I ask, "Why not me?"
When I read my high school essay I was tearing up. After 6 years worth of mental acrobatics and disappointments in areas of my life that should have been a comfort, not a burden, I find that my mind had gone from focusing on success to focusing on failure. I notice a trend in myself, that when things are going reasonably well, I start tensing up. I start concentrating on all the little flaws and failures of my everyday life instead of the successes. The other day I was wondering to myself why I didn't enjoy the slight breeze on a beautiful day quite so much as I used to and I think it has to do with being so mentally occupied with failure that there's less room for everyday positives, like that breeze.
"In our everyday lives, we seldom think of the true meaning of success, perhaps we should take into account more what successes we obtain in each and every day that we live."
I can feel an uplifting surge as I read this positive message that I, myself, wrote. But there's a twinge and a dull ache that accompany that surge, because I notice just how much contrast there is between my natural way of reasoning back then and my natural way of reasoning now. I'm wondering now if this is what it means to be an adult. To grow up in the world, does it mean that my perception of the world must grow dark and cynical? Is there any room for optimism when one is being so very realistic? This, in itself, is a cynical question.
It's a new feeling for me, to feel constantly evaluated. But it's always myself that doing the evaluating. Maybe I've disappointed myself along the way. Carrying this definition of success with me all these 6 years, and somewhere along the way maybe I let myself down. I guess it's true, I don't feel like a success. I feel more like unemployed. I feel more like still living with my parents.
I am my own biggest threat to the success that I so neatly defined at 17. I take to heart too strongly every little thing that every single person says to me about me, so much so that I do nothing about the criticism I get (at least, that's my excuse). But the worst thing to do in a situation like mine is to do nothing. The only way to get rid of old, mental junk is by pushing it out with new and healthy thoughts. Like the time-old classic saying, "Out with the old, in with the new!"
So I will persevere. I will work the part-time jobs and fill out the grad school applications; I will read books and study and continue to meet new friends; I will write and I will teach and I will one day watch student consciences turn on like a light switch and watch them power through life despite its many, imposing pressures. And I will succeed.
I didn't quite conclude my essay with this, though I wish I had (it was located in the last paragraph though), and I'll leave you with it as well:
"It's up to the worker, however, to accept the success and fruit of their labor, or succumb to failure..."
(Oh, what did I score on my essay?? A near perfect. 11 out of 12, just in case you were wondering.)
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
What does it mean to be unhappy?
Sometimes I get into funks where, not only does nothing feel right, but it feels like nothing can make anything feel right.
If you know what I mean, we should talk. If you don't, stay with me for a little bit.
The way I see it, when a person is unhappy, there are only two ways that they could have reached that state. Either:
1) Something unusually unsettling has happened externally that has caused some sort of trauma to a person -- for example, a car accident, getting yelled at by a boss, heat exhaustion, getting lost, facing racism, or disappointment and so on and so forth.
-Or-
2) An unhappy thought, once started, is allowed to feed continuously on a stream of negative emotions. In other words, a person becomes so fixated on one unhappy thought that all events that occur thereafter are experienced, understood and reflected upon in the dark blue light of that one unhappy thought. Therefore, good experiences are no longer as good, not because the experience itself was not good, but because a person, in the fixation of their unhappy mind, has chosen to believe that that experience was not good enough in light of their unhappiness.
The more volatile of the two would be, I say, the second one. The first one can be very traumatic and physically dangerous, but the reason why I say the second one is the more volatile one is because it is the one that is spiritually oppressing, and when a person is spiritually oppressed, then that is when they become a danger to themselves and to others. When a person allows him- or herself to become spiritually oppressed by unhappiness, then they become desperate and start considering risky, irrational, and/or rash solutions. Depression, anger, discontent, apathy, all come knocking with tempting explanations for why it's everyone else's fault for why you feel the way you do.
For myself, I know that as a person that finds a sense of release and fulfillment in artistic expression, I am highly susceptible to unhappiness (in the #2 sense). Sometimes it begins with a metaphysical flirtation with unhappy thoughts; the desired result being inspiration for a profound piece of writing. It sounds wrong, but I don't believe it's an uncommon occurrence for people to make themselves unhappy because they believe life becomes more romantic (not in terms of love interest; more like wistful or otherworldly) or meaningful that way.
We were all constructed for fulfillment (emotionally, physically and spiritually) by God in order to experience the greatest fulfillment in God (in the fulfillment of His divine plan, of His will in each of our lives, and in the "uninterrupt[ed]...communion with [God]" <Matthew Henry, paragraph 3>). The problem is that instead of seeking that fulfillment out in God (in meditation on His word, good company, prayer and daily living out the calling laid out by Jesus Christ), we try instead to look for ways to bring about the symptoms of fulfillment.
Examples of symptoms of fulfillment include: feelings of elation, having good things, winning the approval (or, in some cases, just the attention is enough) of others.
When people make themselves unhappy, it's two things at once: a response to not having fulfillment and another attempt to fill the void of unfulfillment. The sad and sick sense of satisfaction that there is in being perpetually unhappy can come from placing blame (on everyone else, of course) and feeling something identifiable yet inexplicable at the same time, making it seemingly mysterious and deep, when really it's all just shallow appearances stemming from a deep need.
Basically, my conclusion is that there is no good reason for being unhappy. So, speaking to myself as much as to anybody else, since there is no good reason for being unhappy, don't be unhappy. Don't feed Unhappy with wanton emotions, because he will bite your freaking hand off, then grow into a monster and eventually completely consume you.
I don't mean to make any sweeping statements about people and trivialize depression and other real biological/mental disorders. People with depression, bipolar complexes, or other emotionally disturbed disorders need and should get treatment for it.
Lots of abstract thought going on here. If you've made it this far in reading, I commend you and ask that you respond with any thoughts, musings, thoughtful questions or counterpoints you may have.
Gratzi, and God bless.
If you know what I mean, we should talk. If you don't, stay with me for a little bit.
The way I see it, when a person is unhappy, there are only two ways that they could have reached that state. Either:
1) Something unusually unsettling has happened externally that has caused some sort of trauma to a person -- for example, a car accident, getting yelled at by a boss, heat exhaustion, getting lost, facing racism, or disappointment and so on and so forth.
-Or-
2) An unhappy thought, once started, is allowed to feed continuously on a stream of negative emotions. In other words, a person becomes so fixated on one unhappy thought that all events that occur thereafter are experienced, understood and reflected upon in the dark blue light of that one unhappy thought. Therefore, good experiences are no longer as good, not because the experience itself was not good, but because a person, in the fixation of their unhappy mind, has chosen to believe that that experience was not good enough in light of their unhappiness.
The more volatile of the two would be, I say, the second one. The first one can be very traumatic and physically dangerous, but the reason why I say the second one is the more volatile one is because it is the one that is spiritually oppressing, and when a person is spiritually oppressed, then that is when they become a danger to themselves and to others. When a person allows him- or herself to become spiritually oppressed by unhappiness, then they become desperate and start considering risky, irrational, and/or rash solutions. Depression, anger, discontent, apathy, all come knocking with tempting explanations for why it's everyone else's fault for why you feel the way you do.
For myself, I know that as a person that finds a sense of release and fulfillment in artistic expression, I am highly susceptible to unhappiness (in the #2 sense). Sometimes it begins with a metaphysical flirtation with unhappy thoughts; the desired result being inspiration for a profound piece of writing. It sounds wrong, but I don't believe it's an uncommon occurrence for people to make themselves unhappy because they believe life becomes more romantic (not in terms of love interest; more like wistful or otherworldly) or meaningful that way.
We were all constructed for fulfillment (emotionally, physically and spiritually) by God in order to experience the greatest fulfillment in God (in the fulfillment of His divine plan, of His will in each of our lives, and in the "uninterrupt[ed]...communion with [God]" <Matthew Henry, paragraph 3>). The problem is that instead of seeking that fulfillment out in God (in meditation on His word, good company, prayer and daily living out the calling laid out by Jesus Christ), we try instead to look for ways to bring about the symptoms of fulfillment.
Examples of symptoms of fulfillment include: feelings of elation, having good things, winning the approval (or, in some cases, just the attention is enough) of others.
When people make themselves unhappy, it's two things at once: a response to not having fulfillment and another attempt to fill the void of unfulfillment. The sad and sick sense of satisfaction that there is in being perpetually unhappy can come from placing blame (on everyone else, of course) and feeling something identifiable yet inexplicable at the same time, making it seemingly mysterious and deep, when really it's all just shallow appearances stemming from a deep need.
Basically, my conclusion is that there is no good reason for being unhappy. So, speaking to myself as much as to anybody else, since there is no good reason for being unhappy, don't be unhappy. Don't feed Unhappy with wanton emotions, because he will bite your freaking hand off, then grow into a monster and eventually completely consume you.
I don't mean to make any sweeping statements about people and trivialize depression and other real biological/mental disorders. People with depression, bipolar complexes, or other emotionally disturbed disorders need and should get treatment for it.
Lots of abstract thought going on here. If you've made it this far in reading, I commend you and ask that you respond with any thoughts, musings, thoughtful questions or counterpoints you may have.
Gratzi, and God bless.
Monday, May 16, 2011
Cont'd Study of Romans 8:5
Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.
Romans 8:5
Okay, this will be more of a thought blurb than an actual in-depth study since I have two constraints on me right now: I'm sitting in the highly air-conditioned B&N store, wearing capris and sandals, and my laptop, with it's rapidly dying battery, is not plugged in. So here we go, rapidly chewing on biblical fat!
This verse speaks to me about how humans work. In a sense. I think the bible illustrates a similar concept in another verse that says: For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:21). If we desire something, that is what we naturally begin to gravitate towards in our lives. If it's money, we start living our lives in such a way as to accrue as much of it as possible, whether that means scrooge saving or taking someone else's. And notice, we gravitate, not immediately become the thing that we desire. We humans are always in a state of change. Even if it's just that time passes, but everything else about our state of living stays the same, we are still not the same.
It's in our nature to be continually transformed, to be conformed to the image of something that we hope goes beyond the limitations of who we already are. Part of this implies then that we do not fully become what we are to be in this lifetime. If we're always in process of changing, we are still incomplete.
I speak as a Christian when I say, we only fully become what we are when we die. Either, through the saving works of Jesus Christ, we become the stainless, transformed spiritual beings that we were made to be by God and reside with Him rightly and always, or we reach our full height of condemnation and rebellion against God and throw ourselves into an eternal hell in which wrath, hatred and deep emptiness consume us forever.
We are still incomplete in this life, meaning that the life we live in our bodies count. What we do in this life directly effects our eternal destiny and the eternal destiny of the people in our lives.
Thank you God for even the time that you graciously give us in this life, that you have delayed the judgement of our souls that we might come to know who Christ is and return to you in total repentance.
I pray not to be paralyzed by fear in this life, but to go forth and live in full confidence in God. My God, my friend, my maker, the one who resides in my heart.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
A study of Romans 8:4 (NIV)
In continuing from yesterday evening's start of a study of Romans 8, I'll be continuing my reflections on further passages in this chapter tonight.
Again, I'm writing these reflections down as a means of actively engaging the scripture instead of passively running my eyes over the text. Comments are appreciated, further elaboration, clarification or correction on my writing even more so. :]
By the way, I think I had a lot of different thoughts going through my mind yesterday. Since writing yesterday's entry, I realize that I wandered off several times from my main point and never came back to it. I was too caught up on the law for some reason. Hopefully I'll be able to stay on point tonight!
Verse 4: in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
The righteous requirements of the law. First of all, what's it mean to be righteous? Here's one definition of it.
To be righteous would mean to be right, to be found in the right, to do what is right. I was only listing out thoughts as they came to mind and I've got to say, that's all I've got. To have right standing with God is only to be had by following his commandments, and Christian are to understand that they have the status of righteousness. Now, I'm about to go on a long tangent about the law, but I hope I can come back to what I am really addressing presently about this verse. We'll see.
The verse states "righteous requirements of the law." Well, again Paul's addressing the law (which is the law of God, not general law). The requirements of the law being that a person would have to fulfill it in its entirety (for, to break one law would be equivalent to breaking all of it since, in the end, a lawbreaker is a lawbreaker), and not just for one day, but for every day that a person lives. There are many laws, on top of the famous Ten Commandments; there are all the animal sacrifices that were offered on behalf of our sin, and another for the sin of others, and then another for the nation and so on and so forth. But acknowledging that God is who he is, he is pretty smart and knows that human beings being sinful and all, can not follow the law and he didn't give humans the law just to poke his righteous finger in our faces and say, "Ha-ha!"
I think he gave humans the law at all so that they can put their faith in Jesus. Simple as that. He is the savior, and he saves people from eternal spiritual death when they realize there is a standard for righteousness and they don't meet it and can admit that they need someone else to step in for them. So Jesus, having come in human form, lived life in perfect righteousness (in complete obedience to God's commandments) and then took the full punishment for the sins of those who would believe. And I explain this basically because in understanding why God revealed the law and why Jesus took on human form, it becomes clearer that the commandment of God that Christians are to follow in order to be ascribed righteousness is to believe in the Christ, the savior, to believe in Jesus. The only way for a sinner like me can become righteous is by trading in my sinfulness for the righteousness that Christ gives me when I put my faith in him.
With no transition, I move back to the verse.
"...in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us." Jesus taking on flesh and becoming like sinful man so that sin would be punished in the flesh. What's interesting is what happens as a result of having the law fulfilled in us by Christ, which is to have a new nature. Basically, that I am not living in the endless death cycle of sinning, sinning against and being sinned against, but that I am now enabled to live free from that because someone stopped the wheel from spinning long ago. I am instead guided by the Spirit of God who compels me to desire what is right.
I am beginning to ramble. I am forced to stop here and now. My mind is tired, but I still have so much to do.
Lord help me, not to despair but to look to your word for the truth I need to be founded on so that I'm not left feeling insecure and fragile every time something hard hits.
Again, I'm writing these reflections down as a means of actively engaging the scripture instead of passively running my eyes over the text. Comments are appreciated, further elaboration, clarification or correction on my writing even more so. :]
By the way, I think I had a lot of different thoughts going through my mind yesterday. Since writing yesterday's entry, I realize that I wandered off several times from my main point and never came back to it. I was too caught up on the law for some reason. Hopefully I'll be able to stay on point tonight!
Verse 4: in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us, who do not live according to the sinful nature but according to the Spirit.
The righteous requirements of the law. First of all, what's it mean to be righteous? Here's one definition of it.
To be righteous would mean to be right, to be found in the right, to do what is right. I was only listing out thoughts as they came to mind and I've got to say, that's all I've got. To have right standing with God is only to be had by following his commandments, and Christian are to understand that they have the status of righteousness. Now, I'm about to go on a long tangent about the law, but I hope I can come back to what I am really addressing presently about this verse. We'll see.
The verse states "righteous requirements of the law." Well, again Paul's addressing the law (which is the law of God, not general law). The requirements of the law being that a person would have to fulfill it in its entirety (for, to break one law would be equivalent to breaking all of it since, in the end, a lawbreaker is a lawbreaker), and not just for one day, but for every day that a person lives. There are many laws, on top of the famous Ten Commandments; there are all the animal sacrifices that were offered on behalf of our sin, and another for the sin of others, and then another for the nation and so on and so forth. But acknowledging that God is who he is, he is pretty smart and knows that human beings being sinful and all, can not follow the law and he didn't give humans the law just to poke his righteous finger in our faces and say, "Ha-ha!"
I think he gave humans the law at all so that they can put their faith in Jesus. Simple as that. He is the savior, and he saves people from eternal spiritual death when they realize there is a standard for righteousness and they don't meet it and can admit that they need someone else to step in for them. So Jesus, having come in human form, lived life in perfect righteousness (in complete obedience to God's commandments) and then took the full punishment for the sins of those who would believe. And I explain this basically because in understanding why God revealed the law and why Jesus took on human form, it becomes clearer that the commandment of God that Christians are to follow in order to be ascribed righteousness is to believe in the Christ, the savior, to believe in Jesus. The only way for a sinner like me can become righteous is by trading in my sinfulness for the righteousness that Christ gives me when I put my faith in him.
With no transition, I move back to the verse.
"...in order that the righteous requirements of the law might be fully met in us." Jesus taking on flesh and becoming like sinful man so that sin would be punished in the flesh. What's interesting is what happens as a result of having the law fulfilled in us by Christ, which is to have a new nature. Basically, that I am not living in the endless death cycle of sinning, sinning against and being sinned against, but that I am now enabled to live free from that because someone stopped the wheel from spinning long ago. I am instead guided by the Spirit of God who compels me to desire what is right.
I am beginning to ramble. I am forced to stop here and now. My mind is tired, but I still have so much to do.
Lord help me, not to despair but to look to your word for the truth I need to be founded on so that I'm not left feeling insecure and fragile every time something hard hits.
Monday, November 15, 2010
A study of Romans 8:1-3 (NIV)
Verse 1: Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,
Radical words for a person like me to read right now. I believe that human beings are well-acquainted with a sense of justice and what it means to have justice. Different countries have come to develop different justice systems, just as each person forms their own brand of personal justice (what a person believes that he/she should do in response to being wronged). The formation of these justice systems (whether personal or governmental) signifies that every person acknowledges that any person is capable of doing evil and that that evil action should be met with consequence, and this not just so that the action will be discontinued, but for the sake of the one who was wronged; that, I'll say, the victim and their natural rights are being recognized and protected by oneself (on the personal level) and by the greater body of people (on the level of government).
So I'm reading this verse in two ways:
1. As one who has faith in Christ Jesus, that I am no longer oppressed by the rightful consequences of my wrongs because of Jesus
2. By receiving this freedom, I am laying down my right to oppress others with my sense of justice - not that justice won't be delivered, but that my vengeful, resenting self will not be the administer of that justice
I don't know how to reconcile those thoughts in light of social justice, except to say that I think that maybe there's a line that, when crossed, a person needs to be brought to justice under governmental law, but still not under the personal justice that the victim might seek for themselves.
Verse 2: because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
This verse is talking about the law that believers are set free from; that believers are no longer under the oppression of endless sin and death.
I read a blog post recently that talked about how people with religious beliefs deny death, in the sense that, out of an inability to cope with the inevitability of death, religious people just choose to delay or ignore death or even the thought of death for as long as possible. So I want to clarify that the death that's being written about by Paul here is not talking about the physical death that everyone faces. But the Bible still clearly states that "the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus" (Rom 6:23), so doesn't that mean that Christians are in denial?
No, this is not the case. Though people might be tempted to pose that question and leave it at that, what they're doing is presenting a claim, and in academia, as my English 302 professor likes to stress over and over again, those who state a claim must also put forward the opposing claim and meet the evidence that the opposing claim has. So in this case, the opposing claim would be: that Christians fully acknowledge that there is an inevitable physical death that every human being must face, but they also acknowledge that there is a separate spiritual death that exists apart from the physical death. And here is evidence for this from the Bible, which many people (Christians and Non-Christians alike) like to cite: "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die" (John 11:25). There is a death that Jesus, himself, is acknowledging in this passage, but there is also a new life that he talks about, the life that is everlasting.
Verse 3: For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man,
A long passage.
I was talking about laws before, and the kind of law that I was addressing is the kind of law that human beings lay down through the structure of government. The law that is written about here (by the Apostle Paul, in case you were curious) is the law that God gave to the Israelites in the Old Testament section of the Bible. We can know this because Paul talks about the law in chapter 7 when he writes that "the law is holy" and "spiritual" (verses 12 and 14), and I think I can say with confidence that, while the laws that are written in government (in any government, past or present) are meant to protect or to create order, they are not meant to be regarded as perfect, holy, transcendent or spiritual (unless of course, you're talking about certain dynasties during specific time periods, like the Japanese for example, a people who'd considered their emperor was a god, a holy being, until they found out that the emperor is actually just another guy. Which is why they do not have the same system of government now as they did before, but all that to say that they might have ascribed spiritual value to their laws back then).
The law that God had given to the Israelites back in the Old Testament times did one thing and one thing only: to reveal what it means and what it takes to be holy. That being said, a byproduct of this function in the law is that it inversely exposes what sin is, much like the way that shining a flashlight shows where it is dark. We being sinful creatures, the law exposed a lot of darkness in us and the one thing that the law could not do was to make what is full of darkness (us) full of light. So Paul goes on to write that God did something. He did not just give the law, he knew the limitations of the law in that it could not save anyone from their sins, and that, though their sins are exposed, those that sin (sinners) are still under condemnation. In other words, just because everyone can see one persons mortal wound to the neck doesn't mean that that person is going to live, because just the exposure is not the healing.
What God did was to send himself to take our place. He sent "his own Son in the likeness of sinful man", meaning in human form (the immaculate conception, the manger, Gabriel and shepherds, and the gift-bearing wise men, aka Jesus was born). Why human form? Why not something magnificent, like a many-armed angel or a BA (referring to bad-a**, falling just short of academic here, I know) griffin that talks? I'm posing a somewhat tangential thought, but really, Jesus could have made it a little easier for us to recognize him as God by showing up as something supernatural. But Paul explained: "what the law was powerless to do...God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man" (verse 3).
It's beginning to click. God took on human form because it was necessary so that sin could be condemned in the flesh. The NIV (New International Version) of the Bible stated it a bit strangely, so here's another translation that's easier to understand.
I'm a Christian, and I've been what's called a born-again Christian since I was about 12 years old in 7th grade. It's so easy to just condense the message of the Bible (the Gospel) into bite-size phrases, like "Jesus loves me" or "He died on the cross for my sins" and to leave it at that. The reason why that's damaging is because, over a pro-longed period of time, that shallow thought is all I understand the Gospel to be and everything about who God is and how much he truly knows, loves and cares for me in every way. And suddenly, my relationship with God becomes more like a bad long distance relationship (bad in the sense that it doesn't make sense why God would want to continue being in this relationship with sinful, dysfunctional me) that I, being the fickle and neglectful one in the relationship, toy with ending every so often because I believe it's within my power and that it would have no adverse effects on me. Would it make more sense to adjust that analogy a bit and say instead that it my relationship with God becomes more like a woman in a long distance relationship with a man that is and has everything that she could possibly want, need or desire but she still sleeps around and toys with the thought of ending the relationship because she thinks she can get away with it? Because she thinks he will not know or won't care because she could phrase it just right when she asks for forgiveness so that he'll be sure to forgive her?
I'm not sure if that clarifies or complicates, but my point is (and I'll bring it to a close here for tonight) I have not been experiencing the richness and the depth of Christ and my relationship with God because I have not cared to seek him out. And I have not cared to seek him out because I have not been confronting the truth of my situation and what he's done and what he continues to do in sanctifying me, and the truth that I have not been confronting his the Bible, which contains the law, which reveals God's holiness and my sinfulness. This is why I'm writing this series of (my own personal) studies on Romans 8:
1. To bring myself to engage God's Word in a way that is active and requires both the discerning of heart and mind in unison
2. To present my thoughts for others to read or engage in if they so choose
For now I'll stop here.
God bless.
Radical words for a person like me to read right now. I believe that human beings are well-acquainted with a sense of justice and what it means to have justice. Different countries have come to develop different justice systems, just as each person forms their own brand of personal justice (what a person believes that he/she should do in response to being wronged). The formation of these justice systems (whether personal or governmental) signifies that every person acknowledges that any person is capable of doing evil and that that evil action should be met with consequence, and this not just so that the action will be discontinued, but for the sake of the one who was wronged; that, I'll say, the victim and their natural rights are being recognized and protected by oneself (on the personal level) and by the greater body of people (on the level of government).
So I'm reading this verse in two ways:
1. As one who has faith in Christ Jesus, that I am no longer oppressed by the rightful consequences of my wrongs because of Jesus
2. By receiving this freedom, I am laying down my right to oppress others with my sense of justice - not that justice won't be delivered, but that my vengeful, resenting self will not be the administer of that justice
I don't know how to reconcile those thoughts in light of social justice, except to say that I think that maybe there's a line that, when crossed, a person needs to be brought to justice under governmental law, but still not under the personal justice that the victim might seek for themselves.
Verse 2: because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit of life set me free from the law of sin and death.
This verse is talking about the law that believers are set free from; that believers are no longer under the oppression of endless sin and death.
I read a blog post recently that talked about how people with religious beliefs deny death, in the sense that, out of an inability to cope with the inevitability of death, religious people just choose to delay or ignore death or even the thought of death for as long as possible. So I want to clarify that the death that's being written about by Paul here is not talking about the physical death that everyone faces. But the Bible still clearly states that "the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus" (Rom 6:23), so doesn't that mean that Christians are in denial?
No, this is not the case. Though people might be tempted to pose that question and leave it at that, what they're doing is presenting a claim, and in academia, as my English 302 professor likes to stress over and over again, those who state a claim must also put forward the opposing claim and meet the evidence that the opposing claim has. So in this case, the opposing claim would be: that Christians fully acknowledge that there is an inevitable physical death that every human being must face, but they also acknowledge that there is a separate spiritual death that exists apart from the physical death. And here is evidence for this from the Bible, which many people (Christians and Non-Christians alike) like to cite: "Jesus said to her, 'I am the resurrection and the life. The one who believes in me will live, even though they die" (John 11:25). There is a death that Jesus, himself, is acknowledging in this passage, but there is also a new life that he talks about, the life that is everlasting.
Verse 3: For what the law was powerless to do in that it was weakened by the sinful nature, God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man to be a sin offering. And so he condemned sin in sinful man,
A long passage.
I was talking about laws before, and the kind of law that I was addressing is the kind of law that human beings lay down through the structure of government. The law that is written about here (by the Apostle Paul, in case you were curious) is the law that God gave to the Israelites in the Old Testament section of the Bible. We can know this because Paul talks about the law in chapter 7 when he writes that "the law is holy" and "spiritual" (verses 12 and 14), and I think I can say with confidence that, while the laws that are written in government (in any government, past or present) are meant to protect or to create order, they are not meant to be regarded as perfect, holy, transcendent or spiritual (unless of course, you're talking about certain dynasties during specific time periods, like the Japanese for example, a people who'd considered their emperor was a god, a holy being, until they found out that the emperor is actually just another guy. Which is why they do not have the same system of government now as they did before, but all that to say that they might have ascribed spiritual value to their laws back then).
The law that God had given to the Israelites back in the Old Testament times did one thing and one thing only: to reveal what it means and what it takes to be holy. That being said, a byproduct of this function in the law is that it inversely exposes what sin is, much like the way that shining a flashlight shows where it is dark. We being sinful creatures, the law exposed a lot of darkness in us and the one thing that the law could not do was to make what is full of darkness (us) full of light. So Paul goes on to write that God did something. He did not just give the law, he knew the limitations of the law in that it could not save anyone from their sins, and that, though their sins are exposed, those that sin (sinners) are still under condemnation. In other words, just because everyone can see one persons mortal wound to the neck doesn't mean that that person is going to live, because just the exposure is not the healing.
What God did was to send himself to take our place. He sent "his own Son in the likeness of sinful man", meaning in human form (the immaculate conception, the manger, Gabriel and shepherds, and the gift-bearing wise men, aka Jesus was born). Why human form? Why not something magnificent, like a many-armed angel or a BA (referring to bad-a**, falling just short of academic here, I know) griffin that talks? I'm posing a somewhat tangential thought, but really, Jesus could have made it a little easier for us to recognize him as God by showing up as something supernatural. But Paul explained: "what the law was powerless to do...God did by sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful man" (verse 3).
It's beginning to click. God took on human form because it was necessary so that sin could be condemned in the flesh. The NIV (New International Version) of the Bible stated it a bit strangely, so here's another translation that's easier to understand.
I'm a Christian, and I've been what's called a born-again Christian since I was about 12 years old in 7th grade. It's so easy to just condense the message of the Bible (the Gospel) into bite-size phrases, like "Jesus loves me" or "He died on the cross for my sins" and to leave it at that. The reason why that's damaging is because, over a pro-longed period of time, that shallow thought is all I understand the Gospel to be and everything about who God is and how much he truly knows, loves and cares for me in every way. And suddenly, my relationship with God becomes more like a bad long distance relationship (bad in the sense that it doesn't make sense why God would want to continue being in this relationship with sinful, dysfunctional me) that I, being the fickle and neglectful one in the relationship, toy with ending every so often because I believe it's within my power and that it would have no adverse effects on me. Would it make more sense to adjust that analogy a bit and say instead that it my relationship with God becomes more like a woman in a long distance relationship with a man that is and has everything that she could possibly want, need or desire but she still sleeps around and toys with the thought of ending the relationship because she thinks she can get away with it? Because she thinks he will not know or won't care because she could phrase it just right when she asks for forgiveness so that he'll be sure to forgive her?
I'm not sure if that clarifies or complicates, but my point is (and I'll bring it to a close here for tonight) I have not been experiencing the richness and the depth of Christ and my relationship with God because I have not cared to seek him out. And I have not cared to seek him out because I have not been confronting the truth of my situation and what he's done and what he continues to do in sanctifying me, and the truth that I have not been confronting his the Bible, which contains the law, which reveals God's holiness and my sinfulness. This is why I'm writing this series of (my own personal) studies on Romans 8:
1. To bring myself to engage God's Word in a way that is active and requires both the discerning of heart and mind in unison
2. To present my thoughts for others to read or engage in if they so choose
For now I'll stop here.
God bless.
Sunday, July 11, 2010
Time and Travel
Time and again one of the strongest effects that traveling has on me is making me think more objectively about my life at home. I am suddenly brought into such a sharp focus as to what things I've been investing time into most in my normal, everyday life. Being here, on the 7th day of my trip to California, I am contemplating my life in Virginia. When I think about the things that comprise my life at home, immediately the word "church" comes to mind. I actually find myself thinking a lot about church while I'm away.
I can't not notice this about myself, so other thoughts like, 'is this much thought about church healthy?' (and this is with a lowercase 'c', so I am not referring to the universal Church) And I'm not so sure I can say yes.
I feel worried about church most of the time, but now I'm also aware of the fact that I feel a bit unanchored. I just finished reading a book yesterday about the lifelong friendship of 11 women (entitled The Girls from Ames) and it got me reflecting on my own friendships growing up. I remember having wonderful, close friends at church when I was younger that I suddenly couldn't see after some time b/c of church politics. I remember feeling sure about my faith but unsure about church in high school. I feel a bit sad to say that I have not kept in touch with any of my grade school and middle school friends. While I do love and care about the friends that I have now, I notice that they are all outside of my church and that it's very difficult for me to be able to say that I have friends within the church I'm at now.
I am uneasy, but still trying to trust that the Lord loves me still, even if I don't necessarily feel that way right now. I'm taking deep breaths and moving forward until I am brought to where the Lord wants me.
In the meanwhile, I'm holding onto this verse:
Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.
Luke 22:31-32
(But actually, I read it and insert my own name instead of Peters :P)
I can't not notice this about myself, so other thoughts like, 'is this much thought about church healthy?' (and this is with a lowercase 'c', so I am not referring to the universal Church) And I'm not so sure I can say yes.
I feel worried about church most of the time, but now I'm also aware of the fact that I feel a bit unanchored. I just finished reading a book yesterday about the lifelong friendship of 11 women (entitled The Girls from Ames) and it got me reflecting on my own friendships growing up. I remember having wonderful, close friends at church when I was younger that I suddenly couldn't see after some time b/c of church politics. I remember feeling sure about my faith but unsure about church in high school. I feel a bit sad to say that I have not kept in touch with any of my grade school and middle school friends. While I do love and care about the friends that I have now, I notice that they are all outside of my church and that it's very difficult for me to be able to say that I have friends within the church I'm at now.
I am uneasy, but still trying to trust that the Lord loves me still, even if I don't necessarily feel that way right now. I'm taking deep breaths and moving forward until I am brought to where the Lord wants me.
In the meanwhile, I'm holding onto this verse:
Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift you as wheat. But I have prayed for you, Simon, that your faith may not fail. And when you have turned back, strengthen your brothers.
Luke 22:31-32
(But actually, I read it and insert my own name instead of Peters :P)
Friday, April 23, 2010
Why Not at 3:56 in the Morning?
I finished editing a total sum of 48 pages, the result of 3 weeks of grueling research and pain-staking effort that 4 of my classmates and I invested in this final group project.
Total number...
Nights of lost sleep: 3
Grams of sugar consumed tonight: 113g
Times almost fallen asleep tonight: 2
Happy points: :)
Thinking about it, it probably makes more sense to sleep right now rather than spend time updating a silly old blog. The only thing is, I can't sleep, nor can I help myself. The house is quiet; I'm re-hydrating with a bottle of Safeway brand water while listening to some tunes by Colbie Caillat, Jason Mraz, Sanctus Real, Feist, Selah and more.
Different concerns are floating in and out of my mind right now in no particular order; thankfully I'm still so caught up in the joyful stupor of having finished this project that I feel no onset of insecurity.
In all fairness, not all of them are concerns. Some of them are light bulb ideas that are just lighting up the inside of my brain. Recently I've been experiencing an explosion of ideas for the things I've had on my heart the most. Shall I list some of them?
Youth Group ministry has always had a special place in my heart. It's not just because I sympathize with all that the students go through at the high school stage of life (pimples, crushes, social group formation, etc etc, all the savors of high school life); rather, I feel so tugged at heart to know that everyone at that age is searching for identity, significance, belonging. What a soft heart that that searching creates; even the hard hearts can be cracked to reveal a desire to be known, loved and considered. Adults can hide behind the identity that their jobs or social groups give them and, because of the simple and endless passage of time, adults are jaded to conviction. They try so hard not to feel in order to maintain an image of control. This isn't the case with people at the high school level, because as grown-up as they think they want to be, they still sustain a child-like idealism. For this reason, teens are such a passionate force in society. They can be incredibly destructive or incredibly refreshing; sometimes they're both, sometimes they don't adhere to extremities.
I'm getting carried away. Basically, I want to inspire a vision of possibility and an understanding of just what kind of change needs to be enacted and what truth needs to be spoken in public schools today. This by doing something incredible, God-sized and in full view of the Youth Group students at my church.
Bible studies are never enough. If it were then Jesus would've never sent his disciples out to travel and cast out demons, witness or heal in his name; he would have just kept them close and unchallenged. We know that knowledge of truth and feelings of goodwill are not what brings glory to Christ (nope, it's the heart that steps out in faith to extend the Gospel in gracious words and deeds), but guess what: that's something that high school students pick up in a heartbeat. Teens recognize glory. They recognize when something is being glorified, whether it's the stick skinny model in expensive clothing on a magazine page, or the sleek image of a car drawing the stare of an attractive young woman in a commercial, and what's the evidence for their recognition? It's their desire to be like the object of glory. They want to be associated with what is valued, accepted, loved and worshiped even.
So what, what in the world am I getting at?
The teens at my church need regeneration. They need to see someone care about something, passionately and unbearably.
How else can this be accomplished, except by their church teachers pursuing what they truly, madly, deeply (I know, I know. Bad place for a pun.) love and inviting them to join?
What else has been on my mind...
My value for friends. Or rather, my value for people in general.
I once told a friend that I didn't like people; I told her that I had a high regard for specific persons, but that I didn't have so much faith in the people. Makes sense that I would think that way, considering I'd been betrayed by church, people in church that I didn't even know (the quarreling adults and troublemakers). Somewhere along the way though, it stopped being about betrayal and more about being and doing things better than those adults. Not necessarily an evil desire, except that it eventually became rooted in pride when I started desiring to make myself into the perfect, most ideal Christian that ever was. Clearly people needed a better example than Jesus Christ (I roll my eyes at myself).
When I set out with trying to become the perfect Christian, I definitely cut off community. Not really for any reason other than feeling that the perfect Christian didn't admit to having imperfect thoughts or tendencies. So as I tried to lift my superior head higher, I found myself feeling emptier and lonelier; this I blamed other people for, feeling that I merited care and friendship because of my good works. Thus I started spiting people, and felt justified to continue doing so until college started, and all the familiar boundaries of high school gave way to wider spaces on a bigger campus.
(I'm starting to get a bit sleepy, so I'm going to wrap up)
Long story short, I've been sharing things in community that I never knew were chaining me in my faith; I'm still learning how to open up in word and expression to people, and thankfully there's a wonderful man that helps me to do this more and more just by talking to me and seeking me out. I'm experiencing a greater grace than I have ever known before by just enjoying time with Christ-centered people, and it doesn't bring me to tears necessarily; rather I am brought to such a point of refreshment that I start bursting with ideas and desire for God's kingdom to be advanced on earth by way of human expressions of love, hope, and faith, good works and engaging words, for the express means of bringing the attention and glory back to Jesus.
No more now, my eyes are starting to close on their own accord.
But thanks God, for all the things you're working in my heart right now. You're pretty awesome.
Total number...
Nights of lost sleep: 3
Grams of sugar consumed tonight: 113g
Times almost fallen asleep tonight: 2
Happy points: :)
Thinking about it, it probably makes more sense to sleep right now rather than spend time updating a silly old blog. The only thing is, I can't sleep, nor can I help myself. The house is quiet; I'm re-hydrating with a bottle of Safeway brand water while listening to some tunes by Colbie Caillat, Jason Mraz, Sanctus Real, Feist, Selah and more.
Different concerns are floating in and out of my mind right now in no particular order; thankfully I'm still so caught up in the joyful stupor of having finished this project that I feel no onset of insecurity.
In all fairness, not all of them are concerns. Some of them are light bulb ideas that are just lighting up the inside of my brain. Recently I've been experiencing an explosion of ideas for the things I've had on my heart the most. Shall I list some of them?
Youth Group ministry has always had a special place in my heart. It's not just because I sympathize with all that the students go through at the high school stage of life (pimples, crushes, social group formation, etc etc, all the savors of high school life); rather, I feel so tugged at heart to know that everyone at that age is searching for identity, significance, belonging. What a soft heart that that searching creates; even the hard hearts can be cracked to reveal a desire to be known, loved and considered. Adults can hide behind the identity that their jobs or social groups give them and, because of the simple and endless passage of time, adults are jaded to conviction. They try so hard not to feel in order to maintain an image of control. This isn't the case with people at the high school level, because as grown-up as they think they want to be, they still sustain a child-like idealism. For this reason, teens are such a passionate force in society. They can be incredibly destructive or incredibly refreshing; sometimes they're both, sometimes they don't adhere to extremities.
I'm getting carried away. Basically, I want to inspire a vision of possibility and an understanding of just what kind of change needs to be enacted and what truth needs to be spoken in public schools today. This by doing something incredible, God-sized and in full view of the Youth Group students at my church.
Bible studies are never enough. If it were then Jesus would've never sent his disciples out to travel and cast out demons, witness or heal in his name; he would have just kept them close and unchallenged. We know that knowledge of truth and feelings of goodwill are not what brings glory to Christ (nope, it's the heart that steps out in faith to extend the Gospel in gracious words and deeds), but guess what: that's something that high school students pick up in a heartbeat. Teens recognize glory. They recognize when something is being glorified, whether it's the stick skinny model in expensive clothing on a magazine page, or the sleek image of a car drawing the stare of an attractive young woman in a commercial, and what's the evidence for their recognition? It's their desire to be like the object of glory. They want to be associated with what is valued, accepted, loved and worshiped even.
So what, what in the world am I getting at?
The teens at my church need regeneration. They need to see someone care about something, passionately and unbearably.
How else can this be accomplished, except by their church teachers pursuing what they truly, madly, deeply (I know, I know. Bad place for a pun.) love and inviting them to join?
What else has been on my mind...
My value for friends. Or rather, my value for people in general.
I once told a friend that I didn't like people; I told her that I had a high regard for specific persons, but that I didn't have so much faith in the people. Makes sense that I would think that way, considering I'd been betrayed by church, people in church that I didn't even know (the quarreling adults and troublemakers). Somewhere along the way though, it stopped being about betrayal and more about being and doing things better than those adults. Not necessarily an evil desire, except that it eventually became rooted in pride when I started desiring to make myself into the perfect, most ideal Christian that ever was. Clearly people needed a better example than Jesus Christ (I roll my eyes at myself).
When I set out with trying to become the perfect Christian, I definitely cut off community. Not really for any reason other than feeling that the perfect Christian didn't admit to having imperfect thoughts or tendencies. So as I tried to lift my superior head higher, I found myself feeling emptier and lonelier; this I blamed other people for, feeling that I merited care and friendship because of my good works. Thus I started spiting people, and felt justified to continue doing so until college started, and all the familiar boundaries of high school gave way to wider spaces on a bigger campus.
(I'm starting to get a bit sleepy, so I'm going to wrap up)
Long story short, I've been sharing things in community that I never knew were chaining me in my faith; I'm still learning how to open up in word and expression to people, and thankfully there's a wonderful man that helps me to do this more and more just by talking to me and seeking me out. I'm experiencing a greater grace than I have ever known before by just enjoying time with Christ-centered people, and it doesn't bring me to tears necessarily; rather I am brought to such a point of refreshment that I start bursting with ideas and desire for God's kingdom to be advanced on earth by way of human expressions of love, hope, and faith, good works and engaging words, for the express means of bringing the attention and glory back to Jesus.
No more now, my eyes are starting to close on their own accord.
But thanks God, for all the things you're working in my heart right now. You're pretty awesome.
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