Success - As defined by a 17-year-old me

"...success is hard-earned."

In much the same way that I quoted Barry Farber on Oct. 8, 2005 in the essay I wrote for the SATs, I now quote my 17-year-old words and reflect on the strange, stinging inspiration that they inspire. It's been 6 years since I wrote them, and yet they still set the bar for my miserable life.

I have a wonderful life actually. I live in a nice 2-story house in a suburban neighborhood near Washington, D.C. I have a family that gives and gives to no end, to me and to all that are friends. My boyfriend is a wonderful, caring, sweet man that makes me a priority in his life. These are all big things that carry not just a little weight in my life.

...but it's the small things that chip away at my confidence and form chinks in the base of my certainty. Those little things that you can't even name without feeling foolish. Little psychological games that get played within the closest circles, the constant feeling of obligation to everyone, the second-guessing, and the wondering, wondering, wondering if I'll ever be worth a damn.

I'm a college graduate with plans to go into higher education. I scored in the 90th percentile range on my SATs. I may not have a job right now, but I've pursued the major of my dreams in college and am now taking steps to pursue the occupation of my dreams (which, unlike the normal "east-coast mentality" of needing to maintain some polished career track, for me is to educate and affect the most passionate minds in the world- the unharnessed power of high school students). Yet there is always that niggling feeling that I am wasting my time, and potentially the time of countless other young people too. There's no reason for this feeling, except that I just don't feel good enough to do anything noble or good. Like everything I will ever do will turn to in a steaming pile of no good. It's a negative, self-perception (one that I am so certain of sometimes). There are days when my feelings are more sunlit, but there are nights (like tonight) when they are especially dark.

I'm no doctor (not even close), but I think some may call this depression. I see those anti-depressant medication commercials all the time on television, and their symptoms sound so familiar. And what's weird is I get this comforted feeling when I see them because I feel like someone knows about my struggle. Someone, out there in the wide world, understands that I am, generally and emotionally speaking, in a dark place. But while the little blob bounces on in jovial bliss across the television screen, relieved by his magic pill from his oppressive feelings, I sit on the couch knowing that I won't get that relief.

I don't think my parents believe in depression. Or maybe they just don't have time to slow down and deal with it. They seem pretty happy between themselves, and my sister and brother continue on with their lives, working hard and finding ways to keep themselves occupied. At the risk of sounding like Dane Cook on one of his stand-up comedian shows, I ask, "Why not me?"

When I read my high school essay I was tearing up. After 6 years worth of mental acrobatics and disappointments in areas of my life that should have been a comfort, not a burden, I find that my mind had gone from focusing on success to focusing on failure. I notice a trend in myself, that when things are going reasonably well, I start tensing up. I start concentrating on all the little flaws and failures of my everyday life instead of the successes. The other day I was wondering to myself why I didn't enjoy the slight breeze on a beautiful day quite so much as I used to and I think it has to do with being so mentally occupied with failure that there's less room for everyday positives, like that breeze.

"In our everyday lives, we seldom think of the true meaning of success, perhaps we should take into account more what successes we obtain in each and every day that we live."

I can feel an uplifting surge as I read this positive message that I, myself, wrote. But there's a twinge and a dull ache that accompany that surge, because I notice just how much contrast there is between my natural way of reasoning back then and my natural way of reasoning now. I'm wondering now if this is what it means to be an adult. To grow up in the world, does it mean that my perception of the world must grow dark and cynical? Is there any room for optimism when one is being so very realistic? This, in itself, is a cynical question.

It's a new feeling for me, to feel constantly evaluated. But it's always myself that doing the evaluating. Maybe I've disappointed myself along the way. Carrying this definition of success with me all these 6 years, and somewhere along the way maybe I let myself down. I guess it's true, I don't feel like a success. I feel more like unemployed. I feel more like still living with my parents.

I am my own biggest threat to the success that I so neatly defined at 17. I take to heart too strongly every little thing that every single person says to me about me, so much so that I do nothing about the criticism I get (at least, that's my excuse). But the worst thing to do in a situation like mine is to do nothing. The only way to get rid of old, mental junk is by pushing it out with new and healthy thoughts. Like the time-old classic saying, "Out with the old, in with the new!"

So I will persevere. I will work the part-time jobs and fill out the grad school applications; I will read books and study and continue to meet new friends; I will write and I will teach and I will one day watch student consciences turn on like a light switch and watch them power through life despite its many, imposing pressures. And I will succeed.

I didn't quite conclude my essay with this, though I wish I had (it was located in the last paragraph though), and I'll leave you with it as well:

"It's up to the worker, however, to accept the success and fruit of their labor, or succumb to failure..."





(Oh, what did I score on my essay?? A near perfect. 11 out of 12, just in case you were wondering.)

What does it mean to be unhappy?

Sometimes I get into funks where, not only does nothing feel right, but it feels like nothing can make anything feel right.

If you know what I mean, we should talk. If you don't, stay with me for a little bit.

The way I see it, when a person is unhappy, there are only two ways that they could have reached that state. Either:

1) Something unusually unsettling has happened externally that has caused some sort of trauma to a person -- for example, a car accident, getting yelled at by a boss, heat exhaustion, getting lost, facing racism, or disappointment and so on and so forth.

-Or-

2) An unhappy thought, once started, is allowed to feed continuously on a stream of negative emotions. In other words, a person becomes so fixated on one unhappy thought that all events that occur thereafter are experienced, understood and reflected upon in the dark blue light of that one unhappy thought. Therefore, good experiences are no longer as good, not because the experience itself was not good, but because a person, in the fixation of their unhappy mind, has chosen to believe that that experience was not good enough in light of their unhappiness.

The more volatile of the two would be, I say, the second one. The first one can be very traumatic and physically dangerous, but the reason why I say the second one is the more volatile one is because it is the one that is spiritually oppressing, and when a person is spiritually oppressed, then that is when they become a danger to themselves and to others. When a person allows him- or herself to become spiritually oppressed by unhappiness, then they become desperate and start considering risky, irrational, and/or rash solutions. Depression, anger, discontent, apathy, all come knocking with tempting explanations for why it's everyone else's fault for why you feel the way you do.


For myself, I know that as a person that finds a sense of release and fulfillment in artistic expression, I am highly susceptible to unhappiness (in the #2 sense). Sometimes it begins with a metaphysical flirtation with unhappy thoughts; the desired result being inspiration for a profound piece of writing. It sounds wrong, but I don't believe it's an uncommon occurrence for people to make themselves unhappy because they believe life becomes more romantic (not in terms of love interest; more like wistful or otherworldly) or meaningful that way.

We were all constructed for fulfillment (emotionally, physically and spiritually) by God in order to experience the greatest fulfillment in God (in the fulfillment of His divine plan, of His will in each of our lives, and in the "uninterrupt[ed]...communion with [God]" <Matthew Henry, paragraph 3>). The problem is that instead of seeking that fulfillment out in God (in meditation on His word, good company, prayer and daily living out the calling laid out by Jesus Christ), we try instead to look for ways to bring about the symptoms of fulfillment.

Examples of symptoms of fulfillment include: feelings of elation, having good things, winning the approval (or, in some cases, just the attention is enough) of others.

When people make themselves unhappy, it's two things at once: a response to not having fulfillment and another attempt to fill the void of unfulfillment. The sad and sick sense of satisfaction that there is in being perpetually unhappy can come from placing blame (on everyone else, of course) and feeling something identifiable yet inexplicable at the same time, making it seemingly mysterious and deep, when really it's all just shallow appearances stemming from a deep need.

Basically, my conclusion is that there is no good reason for being unhappy. So, speaking to myself as much as to anybody else, since there is no good reason for being unhappy, don't be unhappy. Don't feed Unhappy with wanton emotions, because he will bite your freaking hand off, then grow into a monster and eventually completely consume you.

I don't mean to make any sweeping statements about people and trivialize depression and other real biological/mental disorders. People with depression, bipolar complexes, or other emotionally disturbed disorders need and should get treatment for it.

Lots of abstract thought going on here. If you've made it this far in reading, I commend you and ask that you respond with any thoughts, musings, thoughtful questions or counterpoints you may have.

Gratzi, and God bless.

Cont'd Study of Romans 8:5

Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what that nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires.

Romans 8:5

Okay, this will be more of a thought blurb than an actual in-depth study since I have two constraints on me right now: I'm sitting in the highly air-conditioned B&N store, wearing capris and sandals, and my laptop, with it's rapidly dying battery, is not plugged in. So here we go, rapidly chewing on biblical fat!

This verse speaks to me about how humans work. In a sense. I think the bible illustrates a similar concept in another verse that says: For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also (Matthew 6:21). If we desire something, that is what we naturally begin to gravitate towards in our lives. If it's money, we start living our lives in such a way as to accrue as much of it as possible, whether that means scrooge saving or taking someone else's. And notice, we gravitate, not immediately become the thing that we desire. We humans are always in a state of change. Even if it's just that time passes, but everything else about our state of living stays the same, we are still not the same.

It's in our nature to be continually transformed, to be conformed to the image of something that we hope goes beyond the limitations of who we already are. Part of this implies then that we do not fully become what we are to be in this lifetime. If we're always in process of changing, we are still incomplete.

I speak as a Christian when I say, we only fully become what we are when we die. Either, through the saving works of Jesus Christ, we become the stainless, transformed spiritual beings that we were made to be by God and reside with Him rightly and always, or we reach our full height of condemnation and rebellion against God and throw ourselves into an eternal hell in which wrath, hatred and deep emptiness consume us forever.

We are still incomplete in this life, meaning that the life we live in our bodies count. What we do in this life directly effects our eternal destiny and the eternal destiny of the people in our lives.

Thank you God for even the time that you graciously give us in this life, that you have delayed the judgement of our souls that we might come to know who Christ is and return to you in total repentance.

I pray not to be paralyzed by fear in this life, but to go forth and live in full confidence in God. My God, my friend, my maker, the one who resides in my heart.