I finished editing a total sum of 48 pages, the result of 3 weeks of grueling research and pain-staking effort that 4 of my classmates and I invested in this final group project.
Total number...
Nights of lost sleep: 3
Grams of sugar consumed tonight: 113g
Times almost fallen asleep tonight: 2
Happy points: :)
Thinking about it, it probably makes more sense to sleep right now rather than spend time updating a silly old blog. The only thing is, I can't sleep, nor can I help myself. The house is quiet; I'm re-hydrating with a bottle of Safeway brand water while listening to some tunes by Colbie Caillat, Jason Mraz, Sanctus Real, Feist, Selah and more.
Different concerns are floating in and out of my mind right now in no particular order; thankfully I'm still so caught up in the joyful stupor of having finished this project that I feel no onset of insecurity.
In all fairness, not all of them are concerns. Some of them are light bulb ideas that are just lighting up the inside of my brain. Recently I've been experiencing an explosion of ideas for the things I've had on my heart the most. Shall I list some of them?
Youth Group ministry has always had a special place in my heart. It's not just because I sympathize with all that the students go through at the high school stage of life (pimples, crushes, social group formation, etc etc, all the savors of high school life); rather, I feel so tugged at heart to know that everyone at that age is searching for identity, significance, belonging. What a soft heart that that searching creates; even the hard hearts can be cracked to reveal a desire to be known, loved and considered. Adults can hide behind the identity that their jobs or social groups give them and, because of the simple and endless passage of time, adults are jaded to conviction. They try so hard not to feel in order to maintain an image of control. This isn't the case with people at the high school level, because as grown-up as they think they want to be, they still sustain a child-like idealism. For this reason, teens are such a passionate force in society. They can be incredibly destructive or incredibly refreshing; sometimes they're both, sometimes they don't adhere to extremities.
I'm getting carried away. Basically, I want to inspire a vision of possibility and an understanding of just what kind of change needs to be enacted and what truth needs to be spoken in public schools today. This by doing something incredible, God-sized and in full view of the Youth Group students at my church.
Bible studies are never enough. If it were then Jesus would've never sent his disciples out to travel and cast out demons, witness or heal in his name; he would have just kept them close and unchallenged. We know that knowledge of truth and feelings of goodwill are not what brings glory to Christ (nope, it's the heart that steps out in faith to extend the Gospel in gracious words and deeds), but guess what: that's something that high school students pick up in a heartbeat. Teens recognize glory. They recognize when something is being glorified, whether it's the stick skinny model in expensive clothing on a magazine page, or the sleek image of a car drawing the stare of an attractive young woman in a commercial, and what's the evidence for their recognition? It's their desire to be like the object of glory. They want to be associated with what is valued, accepted, loved and worshiped even.
So what, what in the world am I getting at?
The teens at my church need regeneration. They need to see someone care about something, passionately and unbearably.
How else can this be accomplished, except by their church teachers pursuing what they truly, madly, deeply (I know, I know. Bad place for a pun.) love and inviting them to join?
What else has been on my mind...
My value for friends. Or rather, my value for people in general.
I once told a friend that I didn't like people; I told her that I had a high regard for specific persons, but that I didn't have so much faith in the people. Makes sense that I would think that way, considering I'd been betrayed by church, people in church that I didn't even know (the quarreling adults and troublemakers). Somewhere along the way though, it stopped being about betrayal and more about being and doing things better than those adults. Not necessarily an evil desire, except that it eventually became rooted in pride when I started desiring to make myself into the perfect, most ideal Christian that ever was. Clearly people needed a better example than Jesus Christ (I roll my eyes at myself).
When I set out with trying to become the perfect Christian, I definitely cut off community. Not really for any reason other than feeling that the perfect Christian didn't admit to having imperfect thoughts or tendencies. So as I tried to lift my superior head higher, I found myself feeling emptier and lonelier; this I blamed other people for, feeling that I merited care and friendship because of my good works. Thus I started spiting people, and felt justified to continue doing so until college started, and all the familiar boundaries of high school gave way to wider spaces on a bigger campus.
(I'm starting to get a bit sleepy, so I'm going to wrap up)
Long story short, I've been sharing things in community that I never knew were chaining me in my faith; I'm still learning how to open up in word and expression to people, and thankfully there's a wonderful man that helps me to do this more and more just by talking to me and seeking me out. I'm experiencing a greater grace than I have ever known before by just enjoying time with Christ-centered people, and it doesn't bring me to tears necessarily; rather I am brought to such a point of refreshment that I start bursting with ideas and desire for God's kingdom to be advanced on earth by way of human expressions of love, hope, and faith, good works and engaging words, for the express means of bringing the attention and glory back to Jesus.
No more now, my eyes are starting to close on their own accord.
But thanks God, for all the things you're working in my heart right now. You're pretty awesome.
